Silence
by WaitToYouSeeMeSmile
Summary: No one saw him, sitting there, part of the circle yet completely alone. Their faces, their happy and smiling faces, didn't take the slightest notice of him. He might as well not have been there, would they have noticed then? tw: Suicide


**_A/N: _**  
_Hey, so just wanted to say thank you for checking this story out, and I hope you like it! It might be slightly OOC, but what fanfiction is not, really? TW for descriptive suicidal idealizations and harm._

_Also, I've discovered some stupid grammatical errors, of course now when I was about to fix them I can't seem to relocate them.. I'll keep my eye open from time to time when I check in on this oneshot, so please, don't bother commenting on it? _

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He looked at them, laughing at some joke he had missed. The bar was filling up, and a combination of noises surrounded them. People were talking, laughing, some were even singing along to whatever song was playing. Hotchner and Rossi were the only ones missing, Garcia and Morgan were holding around each other while sipping beers and talking about some awkward episode that had happened. JJ laughed, throwing her head back involuntarily in response to the tales. 'Am I even here?' Reid thought to himself as he took a sip from his drink. Kate checked her phone again, for what must have been the tenth time in mere minutes. She kept telling everyone about her niece, and about how she was home alone for the first time this evening.

Reid observed them. Watched them laugh, have fun, not worrying about tomorrow. He envied them. His one dream growing up would be to not worry. To be able to have fun, without analyzing everything around him. To be like everyone else, to be able to turn their brains off for just enough time to enjoy themselves. He could not remember the last time he had slept properly; the last time he woke up feeling refreshed, ready for a new day. These past years had all turned into a puddle of days, where he could barely separate one from another.

His hip was on fire. The cold metal resting against his shirt, reminding him of how fragile life was. He couldn't recall why he hadn't left it in his locker. He should have. Carrying it with him like this, to a bar on a night off, was reckless. He studied the people around him. He felt the same question as before, burn in his mouth. Was he invisible? Did he not actually exist? No one saw him, sitting there, part of the circle yet completely alone. Their faces, their happy and smiling faces, didn't take the slightest notice of him. He might as well not have been there, would they have noticed then? If he hadn't told anyone he wasn't coming, to just stay at home instead, would anyone have questioned his absence?

He felt his muscles tensing. 'Stop it, Spence! Stop thinking like that!' He knew they would have noticed. Garcia would have bombarded his phones with texts and calls, Morgan would stop by his place on his way home just to make sure he was alright. 'They would have noticed.' He tried to ensured himself. His right hand was resting on his hip, pushing the cold metal into his skin. His heart was beating faster than normal, blurring out all other sounds around him. The voices were fighting inside him, inside his head. He felt like screaming, would anyone have noticed? If he were to stand up and scream, would they have cared?

Reid snapped back at the mention of his name. JJ was looking at him with worry in her eyes, and he looked down at his left hand when he felt a stinging sensation in his fingers. Without noticing, he had dug his nails into the wooden table, causing his nails to crack. Some blood formed along the cracks of the nails. He looked at the blood with a hint of fascination.

"Hey Kid, you alright?"

Morgan's hand was no longer around Garcia, and everyone around the table was staring at him, exchanging looks of concern. Reid looked around the table, then back down at his hand. His other hand had moved away from his hip, and he took a large sip of his drink before standing up.

"I'll be right back," he said, leaving them all to watch his back as he walked towards the men's room.

Reid closed the door behind him, hoping he could lock it but to his disappointment, there was only a stall lock for the door. He walked over to the sink, turning the water on while starring at his reflection in the dirty mirror hanging over the sink. He studied his face. He had aged so much during his time at the BAU. He had just turned 33, yet the rings around his eyes would suggest someone much older. Reid brushed his fingers through his hair, before gripping the sink fanatically.

The voices would not shut up. He smashed his fist into the wall just beneath the mirror. His hand started shaking at the impact, his entire arm aching. He looked at the tiles he had just cracked.

Stepping away from the sink, he looked at his reflection, walking backwards slowly. The room was dirty, there was paper on the floor and the wall tiles carried stains he would rather not know where came from. His face felt twisted, and he rested his shaky hand lightly on the metal piece clipped onto his belt. His fingers touched the surface, feeling the cold, hard figures against his fingertips.

Reid unclipped the gun, taking it out of its' holster. He sank down on the floor along the wall, holding the gun with both hands and resting his head against the blue, cold tiles.

The gun felt so heavy now. Was it always this heavy? With a swift hand, he loaded it, heard the bullet click into place in the slide. His heart was racing, and eyes were burning. He knew it wouldn't hurt. It would be over in a matter of seconds. Just like that. He held the gun in his hand the proper way, his finger on the trigger. It was so heavy. Such a weird thought, that a simple piece of metal was enough to end his entire existence. Swipe him off the planet. JJ would be so mad at him.

He put the barrel up beneath his chin, a chill sweeping through his body at the cold kiss to his throat. The lips of the barrel might be the last to touch his body while still warm, he thought to himself.

Reid shut his eyes close, tears escaping from between his lids. His mouth was watering, and the salty tears dripped onto the hand holding the gun. Was this it? Would this be the end? His body was shaking as the tears fell faster.

A loud knock on the door brought him back to reality. He jumped up from the floor; put his gun back into his belt.

"Spence, are you okay in there? You've been gone for a long time now!"

He brushed off his clothes, removing all evidence he had ever felt any emotions. Washing his face in cold water, he stared at his reflection once more. JJ's voice spoke from the other side of the door, but he didn't care. He opened the door abruptly, spooking the woman standing on the other side. Reid brushed passed her without as much as looking at her. She followed behind him, saying his name several times, but he gave her no response. He had longer legs than she did, and eventually she couldn't keep up.

Reid walked out of the bar and onto the street. The phlegmatic street light stung his eyes, lighting up the frosty street ahead of him. The wind gripped at his thin frame. He pulled his coat closer to his body. Walking down 11th street, and across to 10th, he got on the bus to Georgetown. The bus was full of people dressed and ready for a late night of fun, but Reid barely even took notice. He could feel his phone vibrate in his back pocket as he sat down in an unoccupied seat.

The bus passed through the streets, and time flew faster than Reid could comprehend in his state of mind. His heart was still racing, head still screaming and he only saw one solution to all of this. The ice-cold metal was burning through his thin shirt beneath his pullover. How had it all come down to this? When did his life change for the worse? He had been through so much, and never felt as bad as he felt right in this moment.

The bus suddenly came to a stop, and as Reid looked around, he realized he was the only one still on.

"I'm sorry son, but this is the last stop. I'm gon' have to lock it down now,"

The bus driver had stood up from the driver seat, and was packing up his things. Reid apologized and hurried out of the bus, trying to focus his mind enough to figure out where he was. When he finally realized, he calculated that it would only take about 30 minutes to walk to his apartment, and so he walked.

The streets outside his apartment were filled with noises. He heard a cat in between the trashcan, meowing for attention, cars on the streets and people laughing. He kept walking towards the main entrance. Once inside he walked up the stairs, when a familiar scent hit him. He looked up over the railing, only to see a blonde head leaning against his door.

He walked the last steps, turning the corner and got his keys out. He bent down to the sleeping JJ, caressing some of her hair away from her face. She woke, and fear was visible in her eyes. He could see she had been crying.

"Where have you been!?" She stood up a bit too quickly, causing her to lose balance but she regained control quickly.

"Nowhere, everywhere, I don't remember honestly,"

He unlocked the door and turned the lights on as he entered. She followed close behind; terrified he would get away again.

"Why are you here, JJ?"

He threw his coat over the chair in the entrance.

"I worry about you Spence, don't you get that? You can't just be quiet the entire night, lock yourself in the bathroom for 30 minutes then just storm off without a single word, and don't think we'll worry!"

He looked at her sideways. She was standing there, facing towards him, eyes shining with worry and clothes shrugged from sitting in the hallway.

"How long have you been here waiting?"

"A while… You weren't answering your phone, so Morgan and Garcia tried tracking it but the signal kept falling out. We decided that I should go to your apartment, see if you were here. But when you weren't I got even more concerned, so I didn't feel like leaving…"

Reid felt his head spinning, the guilt building up, tying knots in his stomach.

"I'm so sorry JJ; you should not waste your time worrying about me!" He fought back the tears that were forming in his eyes, why was he so emotional all of the sudden?

"Waste my time? You are not a waste of time! I love you Spence, you know that!"

Tears were falling from her eyes. Why was she crying? He was the one who was going to kill himself, and she didn't even know that, yet she was crying?

"I'm sorry," He kept repeating it, like a mantra, as if something bad would happen if he stopped. She walked up to him, took hold of his right hand.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, examining his knuckles. He shook his head; already forgotten that he had smashed his wrist.

"I thinks someone should take a look at it, it looks pretty swollen."

He looked at his wrist, and realized it was bruising pretty badly. He abruptly pulled his hand back from her grip, startling her slightly, but she just looked up at his face, those red, swollen eyes of his. He looked so empty, so lost. When had they stopped noticing his absence, she thought to herself. Suddenly she realized he was crying. He was looking into the ground, rubbing his knuckles in an obsessive manor.

"Where you planning on doing something tonight, Spencer?"

The use of his full name and the straight forwardness in the question startled him imperceptibly, causing him to look straight at her. The salty tears were stinging in his eyes.

"Why Spence? Why didn't you come talk to us?"

He flinched when she touched his face, drying a tear just as it left his eye.

"You're all too busy with your own lives; you shouldn't have to worry about me."

"Oh Spence,-"

"No, you have your family, Morgan has his life,-"

"No, Spence, listen to me, you are so important to us! Don't you dare believe we would not help you if you came and asked us. You are a part of our team, our family, who would we be without you!?"

She had started crying again at this point, her hands cupping Reid's face like a child.

"Look at Emily, JJ! When she supposedly died, we all got over it! We moved on! It was hard at first, but we moved on!"

Reid pulled away from her grip once again, and started pacing his apartment. He walked over to his kitchen and turned on the sink. The sound of the pouring water was a distraction from the voices screaming at him.

"You didn't! You didn't move on, did you Spencer? All those nights we spent together, comforting each other? Would you wish that upon your worst enemy?" She stood behind him now.

"Or upon Henry?"

She knew it was a low blow and when he turned, she regretted saying it.

"Henry is a child. He will not remember me in five years from now,"

He walked past her, his hand clinging to his weapon concealed by his regular pullover.

"Okay," she said. "If you don't think we care about you, and there is nothing I can say that will convince you otherwise, I guess you should just go through with it then."

She had noticed the bump beneath his sweater, the bump he had been touching all afternoon.

"I guess _**I**_ should go through with it then! Like you said, Henry is too young to remember you in five years from now, what is to guarantee he will remember me?"

Her last sentence caused him to stop dead in his tracks, and he stared at her. JJ had stopped crying, and her face had turned into stoic marble. No emotions were visible, just the traces in her makeup from where her tears had left marks.

Reid pulled off his pullover, and threw it on the ground. He sunk down to the floor, crying. He could hardly breathe through his clogged throat, and he held his head in his hands as he sat on the floor, pulling his legs up against his chest like a little child. JJ watched him, unable to move. He was rocking back and forth, his too long body shaking for every breath he tried to take. He started pulling at his hair, and his skinny frame became so visible to the bare eye. JJ felt her insides twist, and she felt like she was going to be sick. She sat down next to him on her knees, placing her palms on her thighs.

The room was silent except from Reid's heavy breathing. Everything was completely quiet. The cat had stopped meowing, the cars had stopped their engines and the people had stopped laughing. The silence was like a fog in the air, screaming to be noticed.

They sat like that for some time when JJ's phone interrupted the fog of silence. She picked it up, mumbled some words Reid couldn't capture, he tried to stand up but his legs gave in beneath him and he fell back down to the floor.

"He's… alright for now, I think…"

Reid didn't bother listening more than that, and rested his back on the kitchen bench. JJ hung up and simply looked at him. They both took a deep, shaky breath, feeling the tension ease.

Charles Bukowski once said: "Pain is strange. A cat killing a bird, a car accident, a fire... Pain arrives, BANG, and there it is, it sits on you. It's real. And to anybody watching, you look foolish. Like you've suddenly become an idiot. There's no cure for it unless you know somebody who understands how you feel, and knows how to help."

Never had Reid identified with this poem more than when he looked at JJ and saw her raw and real concern for his well-being, knowing she understood exactly how he felt, and for once in too long, he felt relaxed as if a burden had been lifted. He reached out for her hand, and she gripped his with such force, like telling him she would never let him go.


End file.
